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Stefany
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livejournal userinfo |
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livejournal calendar |
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| its been a while |
[Wednesday
3.5.08
] |
Actually, more like two years! Craziness. Its weird to read my old entries, and see how whiny I got sometimes. haha
I think I have matured quite a bit; I don't cry as easily now, and I can chill out more. Do any of my friends even read this anymore? Probably not. :P
I don't know what to say. Right now I am an unemployed bum, trying to get used to sewing so I can design fashion and live out my dreams. It could be a while. At the end of the month, I turn 19. Woohoo! I feel old.
ok that's all for now. :P
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| Its been over a year |
[Sunday
2.12.06
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 flirty |
] |
So yeah I think I should update.
I have purple hair! I got it dyed yesterday. It looks really good, yeah yeah I'm so hot. haha I love me and sometimes I just wish I could be with myself! That would be awesome, and I could give myself just what I want and tell myself just what I want to hear. ehehe I'm odd.
*lick* so yeah I have many love interests and I just don't know what to do.. I am sort of in what one may call a "love pentagon". Not a triangle, but a pentagon. Or perhaps even a hexagon! *doesn't know the one with seven sides* >.> The thing is I love to love! And hey I get it back, I can't help it. No one can resist my hotness! Its sad, I know.. it is quite a burden- ehehe just kidding. I have been called a temptress, and I suppose I am. heehee
Oh yeah I got the Corpse Bride about a week ago, I must say its brilliant, Tim Burton is just as fabulous as ever! But I really wanted Victor to end up with Emily, she was so much prettier not to mention they had a lot more in common. I would have sacrificed myself for her! Well.. you know.
Last night I went to my friend Kelsey's bday party, her birthday is on the 14th--Valentine's day! That's pretty neat. Kelsey is such a pretty girl, and her house is really nice. Her mum cooked up a bunch of yummy food and we danced and made merry. ^^ It really helped to take my mind off of things.
*pokes at friends* I miss peoples! I can't wait to get my license.. *so yeah why haven't I gone for it yet?? STUPID!! >.<* but yeeah I'm going to have a massive get together someday, oh yes. It will be magical. BRITTANY G. I MISS THEE!! I haven't called her in so so long but its still hard being without her; I cannot forget her.
And yeah I'm trying to make this entry happy but I just feel depressed almost all of the time lately, I don't know why I mean my life is alright isn't it? But I feel like everything I do, try as I might I fuck up and my mood feels very unstable. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my new therapist and I'll talk to her and mom about it and.. I'll see what happens. I don't even know what is going to happen.. I just need to take care of this before it gets out of control even more! >_< not fun stuff. It could just be my depressive end of bipolar acting up majorly, who knows.
ANYWHO.. my appointment is at 9 a.m. but I have to go with my mom to her work in the morning at 7:30, so I'm getting to bed.
Much loves!
<3
.:Stefany:.
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| Boredom does strange things to you... |
[Wednesday
1.19.05
] |
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mood |
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 silly |
] |
YO! Ch-check it out.... Today I had an Algebra test on the stupid POLYNOMIALS.... probably failed it..I dun care about them anyway.
BUT that isn't important.
I have titled myself "The one, the only most adorable and huggable Stefany". You can not deny this. It is so true. Oh yes. You know it. Don't lie to yourself.
I'm happy right now..... Don't ruin it, anyone. Don't you DARE ruin this for me. I deserve to be happy.
Heh... Anyway. It feels good to be alive. I am hoping for a snow day tomorrow... even though I will probably become dissapointed. However, you never know! Anything is possible!
Staying happy is difficult, you know that? It is for me. It seems like I can be brought down so easily. So I have to be all like "HEY sadness, I'm going to kick your ass!" ...metaphorically speaking. And I might sound lame saying this, but it does take a lot of energy from me, just fighting the sadness. I wish that teachers could understand that. I really do.
Yeah, Monday sucked for me.... due to the weather I didn't get to see my Kyle honeybee..... blech. The whole world is against me I swear.
But it's okay if I just... stay positive. I guess.
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| This happens too much.. |
[Monday
12.27.04
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mood |
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 cynical |
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Okay so. I realized that I needed to update.
But why does it seem like every time I update its about someone dying? Or...something depressing.
Well. I need to say this.
Yesterday started out well. Really it did. I was able to spend the day with my boyfriend...it was brilliant.
I came home to find out that Abby LeBlanc, who is 25 or 26 and a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while.... died last night..god that came as a shock. How?
...car crash. Her friend was drunk of course..... and it was just when Abby was straightening her life out, too.. dumping her loser boyfriend and going to drug rehab.
So she died on Christmas. Fabulous.
Abby...rest in piece. I seriously miss you. Why did you have to join the others in death..? I miss you..
Lyrics:
(Saliva)
I feel like I wasted time when I didn't have you on my mind.
I feel like I'm all alone, how could I have known you would leave
me here alive...?
Oh my God, how did I make this far?
Why I can't I be where you are?
My God I think I'm dying.
It was all so simple then when it all began, and I was your
smile.
And now you're just words in stone, you're just dust and bones
and I'll join you there in time.
Oh my God why can't you take it away just give me one more
day of just apologizing.
"A MEMORY FADES TO A PALE LANDSCAPE"
So yah...let me sit here and feel sorry for myself.
.:Stefany:.
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| MY ONLY 1 (see also Seperation and Deprivation) |
[Wednesday
11.24.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
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music |
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Johnny Cash .:Hurt:. |
] |
This really saddens me.
Friends....no matter how very close they become
may eventually.... drift. apart.
And it is HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. SAD. FUCKED-UP.
SHOCKINGLY REPELLENT. GHASTLY. AWFUL. DREADFUL. TERRIBLE.
Sucky. Not happy at all.
Because you originally pour all of this love and effort into your friends......you really do care and you really do love.
Then something happens--moving, fights, new friends.
Your love is STILL THERE but what to do with it!? You don't have anything in common anymore. You never talk. And you didn't do ANYTHING wrong, it's something that just happened. "happened". Oh how sad, so tragic...
There has to be a reason somewhere. You can't just STOP being close with someone can you?
Falling apart from those you love is THE most terrifying situation I can imagine. I know it could be worse... -.-
But I miss my friends. I need a Brittany hug and a Katrina hug.
And a my boyfriend hug..
My heart is in pain from being pulled so so much.... I love too intensely for my own good.
And I cannot. let. GO.
.:Stefany:.
If it looks good, you'll see it; If it sounds good, you'll hear it; If it's marketed right, you'll buy it; but if it's real, you'll FEEL it.
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| LOOK |
[Sunday
11.21.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
I'm Tinker Bell--EEEEE!!!! (and easily amused)
YOU are th CUTE little tinkerbell who everyone
knows and loves... awww!
Which TiNkErBeLL are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Fill this out please. |
[Friday
11.19.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
Stefany and I are ________.
Stefany is _________.
Stefany isn't ________.
Stefany makes me feel ________.
One thing that I like about Stefany is ________.
If I could change one thing about Stefany I would change ________.
Stefany should ________.
If Stefany were a color, she would be ________.
If Stefany were an animal, she would be ________.
If Stefany were a candy, she would be ________.
If Stefany were a song, she would be ________.
I dislike it when Stefany ________.
If I could be with Stefany right now, I would ________.
If I could give Stefany one thing, it would be ________.
Sometimes, when I think of Stefany, I ________.
Hehehe I stole from Luke! Heehee wooo this thing is fun.
.:Stefany:.
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| Doo...dee doo..dee...doo doom... |
[Saturday
11.13.04
] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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Er...yes. I exist still. I SURVIVE great hardships!
Moving on. I love you my friends...argh everyone is so supportive and I feel so grateful.
Not enough energy to completely spaz over everyone. BUT MY GOODNESS YOU ALL ARE GORGEOUS! Yes.
I am trying to stay positive and its working rather well, I've been getting out quite a lot.
Its just certain times that I get down, like when I think of the upcoming holidays and how I won't have a dad around for anymore for ...you know my whole life. And when I walk down the aisle to be wed, it will be without a father. Little details like that which everyone takes for granted.
I can't sleep, I don't have school tomorrow, I'm in an odd mood--restless. I'm hardly ever restless. >.<
Just yesterday, my mom called me outside. I was curious about what she would see at that time, and when the flashlight was switched on to reveal a family of deer not 100 feet from our house, I was breathless.
You must admit nature in Maine is irreplaceable. Maybe its the vegetarian in me speaking, but the deer looked so completely innocent and....eerily untouched by mankind I can't imagine their end caused by a bullet.
Er....running out of clever things to say. Not that what I said before was clever. Mr.Biffles
*hug hug hugs* Please accept my offerings of Hugs. They are great.
And here is where I mention my completely caring, sweet boyfriend. I love him lots and eh, he said he wishes for me to stay happy. Okay I'll try...but I'm not going to promise.
.:Stefany:.
ps. My daddy is looking out for me now...don't worry about me okay?
Thank you so much.
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| My...my..everything |
[Sunday
10.24.04
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mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
I apologize.
I really do.
But you see, things are not well. Not at all.
Hmm...where should I begin?
With two Sundays ago? When our Internet was shut down because my mother stopped paying for it.
But oh, that is nothing to lament over. Not compared to last Friday.
In the morning, I went to school only to first discover that my current boyfriend Br*** had cheated on me--had made out with one of my closest friends. Bastards.
Hah oh, and do you want to know what else?
Later on Friday--my mother revealed to me that my biological father had died.
Of a heart attack.
In his sleep.
I bet your life seems better now, doesn't it?
But seriously....I'm still..so sad. I'm mourning.
Even though he hasn't been a part of my life since I was four, he is my father.
I will have to live the rest of my life without a daddy. Half of what I am is gone.
Half of my heart. Good-bye.
Sobbing would be an understatement of how I've spent my time. And to think that before I was worrying about ..trivial concepts.
God, I love you all. Every single person who pays attention to me. I really do love you so much; thank you.
So yah... *hugs* to you all.
.:Stefany:.
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| *regressing to depressed angsty mode* |
[Saturday
10.9.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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confused |
] |
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You've Got Guys Lined Up Around the Block
While your little black book isn't as thick as Paris Hilton's...
You get the most dates of any girl you know
It's your whole five star package that attracts men -
Your looks, your charm, and your ability tie a cherry with your tongue.
|
Are You Attractive? Take This Quiz :-)
Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.
Well this did increase my self-esteem...it made me happy. Lol.
Your soul is bound to the Glass Rose: The
Fragile.
"My heart lies somewhere between perfection
and dust. And while my soul is a sight to
behold, I shatter at the blink of an
eye."
The Glass Rose is associated with perfection,
beauty, and frailty. It is governed by the
goddess Aphrodite and its sign is the Looking
Glass, or Tenuous Love.
As a Glass Rose, you have a beautiful soul and
naturally attract people to you. Love comes
naturally to you, but it hardly ever lasts.
Though you embody the perfect form of love,
your own faults are your own undoing.
What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your kind of beauty is mysterious. You are not a
very open person so you can be hard to figure
out. Some people would say ALL girls are this
way but your mysteriousness is intriguing and
makes people want to find out more about you.
Your beauty is like a pair os eyes. So pretty,
so deep, and yet they hold so much emotion that
you have to look hard to see. You're pretty
intoverted so you talk a lot less than some of
the people you might know and when you do it's
probably very soft and calm. You don't really
like the way you look but trust me, you're
beauty is special and desirable.(If you can't
see tje pics, go to my homepage and look near
the bottom and find your result)
What kind of Beauty should you have? (girl) (PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla
That is really me. I am loud at times, but in a strange way I do that only to make up for my shyness.
You're like a fairy. Fairies were the little pixies
that usually lived in the forest with wings
like butterflies and perfect little faces.
they had brown or blonde hair and pale skin
with freckles. They were entergetic, joyful,
playful, very smart, and peaceful. Fairies are
deffinately the most famous of all fantasy
creatures. (If you cannot see the picture, go
to my userpage and look near the bottom. There
should be the picture and description for all
the results)
What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
Yay I'm a fairy
You are the comforting friend. You like listening
your friends deals and advicing them...that's
really nice! You are caring and is always there
for the ones you like!
What kind of friend are you?(anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Let it rain |
[Monday
10.4.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
I want rain...
Torrential rain, right now. There is no better weather. As it pours down onto my hair and streams down to my delighted feet, I shriek with laughter--no different then my laughter during childhood.
Rain; the perfect artist's muse, the writer's muse as well...
But as a child this never occurred to me. Rain was but another forbidden element in my life; parents always tell their children to not play in rain. However, I was determined. The puddles were my playground and the rain was my security blanket.
Although I shiver without fail after stepping inside, it is a coldness that heals. That embraces like the bosom of a giant ice sculpture.
Rain rain...come my way. I want to go back to another day..
Love you all,
.:Stefany:.
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| *blink* |
[Thursday
9.30.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
(pasted this from my DeviantArt journal entry) I am so so tired...
Yes I am okay... I can't fall apart now. I can't be anything other than okay.
I miss Josh terribly still; I shall forever. But I have again found the ability to laugh, and I only cried once today.
We will be together again someday, then it'll be better even than before... Its just that right now, he's still away from me in body.. He isn't there to hug me or hold me, to tell me its okay, they were mistaken...he really isn't dead.
Of course I am no longer in denial; I've accepted this as truth. But I can dream.
Now I know why. Why life is worth living. Before it seemed meaningless, even tiresome to me. A burden.
But love? Love when it is pure, endless, coming from a spirit as true as your own...that is never tiresome, nor a burden. Love from a child's gaze, a grandparent's embrace, a mother's tears.. All love is irreplacable.
To live in a world where some actually wish to put death upon themselves... that sickens me. To do such a thing would end so much, but never the love others have for you.
Others would find you gone, and they can do nothing with their love for you than mourn in deep sorrow. Because you cannot kill love.
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| Josh.. |
[Saturday
9.25.04
] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
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music |
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Jewel .:Adrian:. |
] |
In memory of Josh McKay...
I can't express how much I missed you before, and now I shall miss you forever.
My friend Josh McKay... he was on a camping trip and he went to put out a firework and the tree he had his hand on broke and he fell off of a cliff...he died, I went out with him once I haven't seen him for over a year now....
But..
I miss him. This is completely unreal...
Why am I online? Oh, to retain as much sanity as possible.
Josh....
I thought he was invincible.
I'm in disbelief, yet total realization...
I love you Josh. I should have kissed you when I had the chance..
But you were a good hugger.
Love, Stefany
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| Personality ANAL-ysis. |
[Thursday
9.16.04
] |
Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results | Sociability | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Aggressiveness | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Assertiveness | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Activity Level | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Excitement-Seeking | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Enthusiasm | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Extroversion | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Trust | ||||||||| | 26% | | Morality | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Altruism | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Cooperation | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Modesty | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Sympathy | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Friendliness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Confidence | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Neatness | |||||| | 14% | | Dutifulness | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Achievement | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Self-Discipline | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Orderliness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 65% | | Anxiety | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Volatility | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Depression | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Self-Consciousness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Impulsiveness | ||||||||| | 30% | | Vulnerability | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Emotional Stability | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Artistic Interests | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Introspection | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Adventurousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Intellect | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Liberalism | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comHoly shit I'm vulnerable. Eck..
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| Hugs are good/happy/yay/wowIneedalife/no school for me tomorrow/haha to you |
[Thursday
9.16.04
] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
I don't have school tomorrow.
Yay I get to sleep! Instead of getting up at 5 am..
I miss my Rossy-Ross... *sniff*
He..he is the bestest hugger ever ever ever!! And and he is mine all mine.. and I miss hi-i-i-i-iim!
You are thinking I am pathetic. I know.
Well yay for your intelligence to figure that out. Good for you.
Pat yourself on the back. Woo.
Feeling entirely half-dead with a migraine. I asked my stepfather and sister to quiet down; my stepfather protested most profusely. He went on yelling louder.
My head suffers. Curses.
And I gots a cold. It makes me go *sniff sniffle*
Oh yay, my sister just pulled down the back of my computer chair so my knee JAMMED into the desk. Wow what a wonderful day.
.:Stefany:.
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| They stole my blood! |
[Sunday
9.12.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
I had a blood test done Wednesday morning. I suppose it will tell why I get dizzy.
But my mother still hasn't bothered to call for the results..
I want to knoooow!!! >.<
Today I went through my old diary and crossed out ..selective parts.
It was cleansing.
Friday, at school:
Not the best day of days.
Well, to be cliche, it SUCKED.
I feel like an outcast at MDI...
In the halls everyone has someone to talk to, I have no one..
I had chorus last period. These two girls who I thought of as friends simply ignored me. Like I was scum or a loser. (Which I'm not).. so when we went to watch a presentation in the auditorium, I sat in the back and cried my eyes out; no one noticed.
I feel like a pathetic failure. Whatever happened to my brilliant "new start" at this school?
I am still the weird, yet smart, quiet kid.
But people don't see that I'm actually completely kind, and even pretty cool. I have a lot to say, and it usually makes sense.
Those who do know me, know me to be a comforting, great friend.
So its that sucky majority of people who judge me before they know me who
end up hurting me.
It isn't fair!
Sometimes I sleep just so I can get away from it all and I can dream about whatever and then I wake, without anyone there and I feel so alone and small and scared....I don't understand why.
But now I do.
Its because I am alone.
.:Stefany:.
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| I swear it isn't skipping |
[Tuesday
9.7.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Punk cover of My Heart Will Go On |
] |
Today....school. Well not for me.
Due to my throwing up this morning.
And chronic dizziness. Yesterday at the fair I could barely stand up straight.
I must have looked more stupid than usual. Damnit.
My head hurts too. I want to whine a lot.
I miss my friends in Brewer and Amanda in Orrington, and Brewer itself
<----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->
This much. Plus more.
I slept nine and a half hours last night...and yet I still feel tired. Is that normal? I don't think so. Mom says its anxiety, but I say its PMS.
It takes an entire week out of my life every month. That is an entire 1/4 of my life.
And people wonder why girls are so emotional. Fucking unfair, I tell you.
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| Tears fall from my eyes...that means I cry |
[Thursday
9.2.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
I feel so pathetic right now...I'm crying.
I just hate this I never ask my mom to do anything for me...
Because if she took me to the mall Saturday then I would meet up with my bestest friend Amanda who I haven't seen in a while, and she could stay over....and my mom knows that this little thing would mean soo much to me, all she has to do is drive a bit so I can see her thats IT, her dad could take her home.
I NEED to go school shopping and she KNOWS that....
If mom sees me crying she'll just say I'm doing it to get my way.
But I can't help it, I'm that emotional..
So I pathetically cry.
I honestly don't get why my mother is so contrary. She claims to be willing to do whatever she can to help me...and yet she refuses to drive me 35 miles once a week?
I don't see what else she goes out of her way to do for me, besides not trust me with anything remotely sharp. Which is good for me, especially at times like these.
It isn't that I am unappreciative of what my mother does, I just don't see what I have to be appreciative about. Sure there is STUFF...but how the hell does she figure that matters to me? It doesn't in the least bit.
She knows that because she is not ignorant and I have told her. What matters to me are my loved ones. Everyone besides her realizes this...
Psh...
.:Stefany:.
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| I wrote such a KICKASS song! *squeak* |
[Sunday
8.29.04
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 satisfied |
] |
Wow I love this song I wrote. I posted it on DeviantArt too but I'm putting it here just in case someone reads this..which would be rare. But I hope someone does.
The song is called Chemical Peel.
.:Chemical Peel:.
I hope you're left alone
The way you made me feel.
It is colder than an ice picture,
Now let your skin fucking peel.
The glass bubbles and bursts;
Falls onto your cruel chest.
This feeds my thirst
I send you to loneliness.
Here none can dwell
But you are deserving.
Watch as your features pop and swell,
Stir up demons as they're dining.
The glass bubbles and bursts;
Falls onto your cruel chest.
This feeds my thirst
I send you to loneliness.
Thick is your skull,
Thicker is your soul.
I knew you could kill,
Now it's your turn to stammer and pull.
The glass bubbles and bursts;
Falls onto your cruel chest.
This feeds my thirst
I send you to loneliness.
Hehehe its so great.
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hellishfluff's journal
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